asymmetrical relationships

June 16th, 2005

Asymmetrical relationships are defined by a lack of (you guessed it) symmetry in the relation, a lack of balance if you will. To keep it simple, let's just say that one party is more keen on the relation than the opposite party.

Asymmetrical relationships can be very exciting, to be around someone you're attracted to (be that in terms of intellect, wisdom, life perspective, physical attraction or any other aspect) is a pretty special feeling. We've all been there at some point, most notably as kids in the company of adults. But these relationships lack balance, they're unstable and they have no long term [stable] future. That means if you want to maintain it, you have to compensate for the unbalance somehow. But the ultimate goal of any relationship which is sought is to make it a balanced one. A balanced one is very comfortable and needs little upkeep. To narrow it down, let's qualify that we're discussing close, balanced relationships. Distant relations can be just as balanced but because the level of intimacy is so low, they are much easier to change or break.

So balanced, close relationships is the objective. How to get there? Conventional wisdom (or let's try recent experience) shows that asymmetrical relations cannot be balanced, at least not easily. It would have to take a very significant shift, one that is unpredictable and presents great risk to the outcome. Aside from that, the relation will break sooner or later, it's unbalanced and unhealthy. Having played on both sides of the net, I should know to handle it but it seems that certain consequences are inevitable. The feeling of guilt factors on the "victor's" side while the feeling of being hard done by is present on the "loser's" side. Inevitably, the victor is less torn up about the break up than the loser is.

So what to do after termination? A logical course of action would be to acknowledge that the relationship was unhealthy and would have to die sooner or later. Still, the force of habit is strong and it takes time to forget and get used to the new situation. I may know that it was inevitable but it's hard to accept it. I also feel a strong urge to judge but then I keep asking myself do I have the right to judge? What would I have done? I pretty much know the answer and I might have handled it less well than I was treated but the feeling of being wronged doesn't go away. Another argument is knowing that the bond is cut, there's no way back (nor should there be) and the only person still thinking about it is me. So why waste time on it if I'm the only one? Seems logical enough but that doesn't work either. Some things are just hard to forget.

It would be comforting to know that whatever has happened, at least one has learnt how to avoid the pitfalls. But in reality, all one has learnt is that they exist and that one will be equally prone to being trapped the next time around, even knowing that they're there. Not the best outlook surely?

Ps. This one has been in the pipeline for quite some time but I felt it was time to get it out of my system.

:: random entries in this category ::

6 Responses to "asymmetrical relationships"

  1. Erik says:

    I agree with most of it. If you make mistakes, you definitely *can* learn from them though. The problem is that human relationships are so complex that you could *never* learn all there is to know and hence you are bound to make mistakes your entire life.

    Personally my exchange taught me A LOT about myself and how I handle relationships and there have been significant changes.

  2. numerodix says:

    Just formulating it and writing it down makes a difference. I wrote this 5 days ago and I don't feel that way anymore, I'm cool. Weird how THAT shit works too..

  3. Erik says:

    Yeah. Don't get me started. As someone who hopes to be a writer one day, the power of the pen keeps amazing me. Just ink it and be safe.

  4. numerodix says:

    That's right. Btw offer is still good, if you decide to write a book, I'll proof read for ya.

  5. Erik says:

    No thank you. I fear you more than any editor the way you disect movies and stuff

  6. numerodix says:

    I'm harmless