Archive for July 4th, 2006

The Postman: nevermind the stamps

July 4th, 2006

That's right, I'm talking about The Postman. No, not Karl Malone, it's a Kevin Costner flick. There's a wealth of things to pick at, so let's get cracking. First of all, Kevkev is known to play these loner types who never say a word and this occasion is no exception. But rarely is the main character of any story, the hero of the story, as dim as he is this time. I mean usually, even if most of the supporting cast are just dumb people, at least the hero is smart and clever. Well Kevin can barely pass for that. So he stumbles across a mailvan and he turns up to this godforsaken town with mail as an excuse to be let inside and fed. And magically the people (like I said they're dumb in this movie) start believing the bs he tells them just to get by. There's one really eager guy with no purpose in life who would just love to be a mailman. He's sworn in and then it all goes from there.

Here's a thought, if all they have is raggeed clothing, barely edible food and basically 19th century life, how did they produce that sound clip played around the campfire? That's right, we see two accoustic guitars, but there's a nice bass sound as well, so where's the amplifier?

Anyway so this one chicks digs him right, and then she's carrying his child and they are chased by the forces of evil (that's not a metaphor, it's real) and they escape and camp out in this cabin in the woods. But he's shot so she takes care of him and now she's the heroine, fixes up the cabin, hunts down food to feed him and he's just on the couch with his feet up. Then she goes out in the snow (blister I should say) to check out the stream and suddenly she trips and the stream is taking her down and she screams and Kevie runs out to rescue her. Aha, you *can* walk you lazy mofo, but he did rescue her so it's a warm and touchy moment. *tear*

Even though the movie is almost 3 hours long, there is no proper introduction to the story. How the hell did we end up in this world? Off imdb we learn that war wiped out everything and it's 2013, futuristic apocalyptic scenario. So there is this army, but they're not fighting anyone, they're just terrorizing people in these little towns. Then they mention Europe, what about Europe? What about it, we never find out anything. Or even the rest of the country. Clearly, they didn't give this whole New World Order thing too much thought. It's kinda "Waterworld" on land.

But wait, there's more. After a bloodbath, Kevie gets a letter from the president he made up, President Sparky in Minneapolis. Yes, that's right, Sparky. The "letter" orders them to disband the fictional postal service they created.

Then studly plays the "that's my child" card with the chick to get her to go with him to "St. Rose", which may or may not be the name of a place in a Shakespeare story.

Aye aye, plot thickens, there's a postal service in California and they didn't start this one. And then out of nowhere they start recruiting and suddenly the post office has an army, imagine that. Here's the Civil War all over again. But no, the general has an ace up his sleeve, the deputy postman as prisoner. Aye, but the dimwit postman used to be in the general's army before he escaped and according to the rules of the army, he can challenge the leader in a pissing contest. Finally everyone who had told him "you're smarter than you look" is validated, he was just playing dumb. Cue in some greco-roman wrestling starring the two valiant opponents and eventually the postman wipes the floor with the copy machine salesman (what a great moment for postmen everywhere, when's the last time the mailman won at anything?). Then he announces there's no more war, peace from now on. Yay, let's kickstart this pathetic civilization shall we.

Last scene. It's suddenly 30 years into the future and his daughter is delivering a speech about her heroic dad to a very small group of people (considering he saved the world and all that) in a little bay that looks surprisingly much like 2001, with houses and yachts in place.

But wait, what about Europe? Oh the hell with it.