"there's more than one way to skin a cat"

April 5th, 2007

Doesn't that strike anyone as a violent thing to say? And what are the other ways? Noone ever talks about them. In fact noone even says what the "preferred" way is.

And why would you even want to do it? Are we about to open a stuffed animal exhibit?

Ps. If you were thinking "this blog is getting too serious", this one's for you. 

:: random entries in this category ::

3 Responses to ""there's more than one way to skin a cat""

  1. erik says:

    I wasn't thinking that, what do I get?

  2. John says:

    Loads of ways...

    1. Lawnmower
    2. Hold it by its tail, shake vigorously
    3. Give it a bath in hydrochloric acid
    4. Let it play with a ball of barbed wire
    5. Teach it to jump through a flaming loop, then get it drunk and have it
    do it
    6. Eat it, cough up a furball, then puke
    7. Put it in a paper shredder, slowly (collect bits afterwars, glue and
    some assembly may be required)
    8. Tie tongue to one car, tail to another, and have them dive in opposite
    directions
    9. Flamethrower
    10. Attach tail to fan, put it on high (the fan)
    11. Get a pair of tweasers, pluck one hair at a time
    12. Bury it, dig it up a few weeks later
    13. Throw it at a fan (make sure it's on (the fan))
    14. Stuff it in a mailbox with a quarterstick of dynamite
    15. Throw catnip on the launching pad of the space shuttle just before
    takeoff
    16. Have it roll in hot tar
    17. Drop it off a building onto a sharpened sewer grate
    18. Toss it in Boston Harbor
    19. Use a tire pump to fill it with air, pop it
    20. Shave "Saddam rules" on it and throw it to a pack of Kurds
    21. Volunteer it for a documentary on pirranahs
    22. Cover firecrackers with catnip (light them)
    23. Use it as the bat in "mailbox baseball"
    24. Throw it at the windshield of someone who annoys you (or just for fun)
    25. Tie (or shave) a message on it and throw it through the window of an
    enemy
    26. Use it as shark bait
    27. Train an attack dog with it
    28. Volunteer it for radiation testing
    29. Volunteer it for Olympic training for the hammer throw
    30. Use it as a train brake
    31. Put a condom on its head and give it to a Bishop
    32. Use it as printer paper
    33. Use it as the "kindling" to burn down a billboard (for best results,
    douse in gasoline first)
    34. Rub alcohol on it and chase it over hot coals
    35. Cats love chasing moving things, cut some live electrical wires and
    watch them dance (bring your cat, twit)
    36. Light its tail on fire and watch it chase it
    37. Give the cat and some acid to Skeeve
    38. Let it run The Works for a day
    39. "Bowl" it over millions of shards of broken glass
    40. Experiment with the explosive properties of cat hair
    41. Turn on the car while the cat is getting warm in the engine
    42. Check the read/write properties of cats in disk drives
    43. Test out the hair club for men on it
    44. Put plastic explosives in fake mice
    45. Drop it off a cliff, repeat until it doesn't land on its feet
    46. Feed it to a pack of raving Puce Armadillos
    47. Have it figure out the previous entry
    48. Wrap duct tape around it, peal off rapidly
    49. Have it try to write a 101 (tm) text file
    50. Feed it live grenades (and run)
    51. Slide it quickly down a slide lined with brillo pads
    52. Use it to smoothen the rusty parts on your car
    53. Squeeze it through a pipe half its size
    ____________________________________________________________________
    /. .\
    I That's right boys and girls!! We have hit number 53!!! You all I
    I know what that means!! For all of you people that live in caves, I
    I this means that it's time to get a life, spare yourself, and leap I
    I off the Empire State Building with an anvil tied around your I
    I neck. Stop reading this thing now. Jerk, I told you to stop I
    I reading. You aren't worthy, be gone! I
    \____________________________________________________________________/

    Some of you may have noticed the lack of "nails" in the lower left and
    right hand corners of the preceding box. This is due to the shortage of
    ASCII character 250 and our efforts to save the rain forests.

    54. Chainsaw
    55. Throw it at a velcro wall and rip it off
    56. Use a cheese grater
    57. Feed it cherry bombs
    58. See how good it is at "eating fire"
    59. Eat fire yourself, and use the cat as a target (great at parties)
    60. Use sandpaper
    61. Ask it the meaning of life
    62. Have Skeeve explain the meaning of life to it
    63. Use it in a game of "tethercat" (this entry courtosy of The Far Side
    comics inc.)
    64. Have it piss off (or on) Cab the Nastie
    65. Try to get it inside the computer to accomplish the preceding entry
    66. Use hedge clippers
    67. Test how good the properties of cats are for making spam
    68. Scotch (tm) tape it to the exhaust pipe of a bus
    69. Use its face as a guitar pick, gradually move to other parts of its
    body (Note to all you sex perverts: No, I didn't have a special
    entry just for this number, nyah nyah nyah!)
    70. Get a giant, economy size electric pencil sharpener and...well, you
    know...um...ok...fine, so it was a bad idea
    71. Use it as the lance (or shield) for a good clean game of joust
    72. Test its electricity conductivity properties (in any manner you choose)
    73. Put alcohol in its water bowl and release it into a mine field
    74. Nail the pet door on your door closed, encourage it to run full speed
    into the house
    75. Introduce it to Butch the pitbull next door
    76. Pull its flea collar off, going from head to tail
    77. Hang some catnip from the rear bumper of your car (near the tire) and
    have the cat chase it, then slam it (the car) into reverse (this can
    also be found in the soon to be released "101 (tm) ways to ruin your
    transmission")
    78. Have it attempt to figure out "f00g and the art of Zen"
    79. Severely hinder the existence of one of America's greatest evils, the
    trailer park (of course) by using the cat to link two of the park's
    power lines, thus shorting out the whole place
    80. Use it as a place to stick Post-it (tm) notes
    81. Put it on ther head of Raytheon's famous Patriot Missle
    82. Put it 5 miles from the intended target of a Scud
    83. Shave the American flag on it and sell it to a drunken football fan as
    a patriotic souvenir (ok, enough with the belated-gulf-war-patriotic-
    stereotypes)
    84. Paint it white and bring it to a sheep shearing contest
    85. Toss it into the street after it (the street) has been newly tarred, get
    some popcorn and wait for the steam roller
    86. Treat it like you would a balloon animal
    87. Shave signs of the devil on it and give it to Mother Theresa as a gift
    88. Teach it to surf
    89. Have it fight a big armadillo
    90. Ask it why armadillos are such a favorite topic of mine (cats HATE even
    the mention of the word)
    91. Let it play with your favorite samarai sword (did I spell it right?)
    92. Have it use a razor sharp spork (they're so common...) to eat from its
    food bowl
    93. Stuff its nose and mouth full of sawdust and watch it flip out (place
    any desirable sharp objects near it)
    94. Feed it green eggs and spam
    95. Introduce it to the wonderful world of narcotics (Note: This was put
    here in a mood of jest and merriment only, Psychotic Alliance would like
    to stress that drugs are of no use, except when writing text files)
    96. Use a utility knife (anyone who accomplishes this, please contact me)
    97. Poke it with a pen all over its body, let the scabs heal and then pick
    all of them off
    98. Put it in a time capsule
    99. Push it through a screen
    100. Just use a razor blade...
    101. Give it some swiss cheese (YOU figure it out, hehehe)