I have a confession to make. I did something unspeakable today. No, I didn’t eat meat, I’m afraid it’s much worse than that. I killed a plant. Actually I didn’t kill it, that would at least be the humane plantane thing to do under the Geneva Convention. Instead, I… tortured it. Not because I needed information, just to… make it look better. You see, there is this rosebush in the garden that has branched out far beyond its designated area, it’s been attempting to annex part of the terrace. So in a mad rage, I grabbed the first weapon I could find, a pair of garden clippers, and went to work on it in a way that would make a serial killer proud. Once I was done, the magnitude of it all overwhelmed me. I broke down on the terrace and wept like a child at all the plant cells that had lost their lives.

I’m expecting SWAT at any moment and I’m sure PETA will hold a nude protest outside my house as well. Meanwhile I’ll be in my room playing Counter Strike while I think about what I did.