Behold, a valid sentence in Polish:

- Je.

In context:

- Co robi? (What’s he doing?)
- Je. (He’s eating.)*

In Polish verbs reflect the actor, so “je” is the singular, present form of eat. This makes saying “he’s eating” (On je.) unnecessary because the he is already given in the form of the verb.

Behold, the same in French:

- Il mange. (He’s eating.)
- Ils mangent. (They’re eating.)

Same story? Not quite. You see, in Polish you pronounce every single letter. In French you don’t. Il mange and Ils mangent sound exactly alike (singular and plural). Which means it’s impossible to infer from that sentence alone what the hell is happening.

Let’s step back and think about that for a while. Here you have all these verb forms that change depending on the pronoun. But they’re pronounced the same anyway. So what the hell is the point? Ils mangent is no more insightful in speech than Ils mange would have been. It’s only in writing that it makes a difference. And in writing there’s obviously no need to have the special form because the pronoun is sitting right next to it!

Let’s try the first sentence again:

- Mange. (Pronounced the same whether it’s je, tu, il/elle, ils/elles.)

Now, despite the fact that you have all these different forms, the only thing you can rule out is that it isn’t nous or vous. Very insightful, isn’t it?

Incroyable!

* Can also be “she” or “it”.

Have you noticed that every language seems to deamonize a particular letter of the alphabet? Users of the language either refuse to pronounce it, or they pronounce it as a different sound, or they banish it altogether.

Polish

Polish has excommunicated the V. This is really strange, because all its linguistic neighbors use the V all the time. All words get rewritten with Ws instead.

Norwegian

Norwegian vowels are heavy, industrial strength. Somehow this has made the O into a Polish U or an English OO. To compensate for this lacking, the Å was invented as a makeshift O.

English

English has caught onto the fact that V and W are really the same sound, and have co-opted the W for a completely different sound. Polish has a ready made letter for this sound: the Ł.

English also disfavors the J, and uses the Y as a J when need be.

Needless to say, the R was mutated into a sound that defies definition. This is lost on many English natives who plainly assume that the crazy English R is the standard for all languages.

French

French refuses to pronounce the H, yet it keeps using it in written form.

French also uses the J as a Polish Ż.

The R, of course, is the most eccentric of them. It was made into a gargling sound that stings the throat.

Dutch

Dutch will pronounce the G only as an H. And the H.. er.. also as an H. It may be that the G and the H are slightly different in speech, but if so it still eludes me how.

Spanish

Spanish doesn’t like the J. In its place it improvised the LL (but also the Y is used for this). The J is used as an H, in place of the real H, which refuses to be pronounced. Sounds pretty obsessive, doesn’t it?

And the V becomes a B, depending on who you ask.

Italian

Like all its latin friends, Italian pretends the H doesn’t exist, but still keeps writing it.

Dutch words love double vowels. We don’t have that in Norwegian, we have the opposite – double consonants. When there’s one, the preceding vowel is long, when there’s two it’s short.

hele - the whole

helle – to pour

The pronounciation is distinct.

In Dutch you have double vowels that sort of maybe sometimes are pronounced differently than single ones, but if so I can’t tell. So to me it’s like they pop up for no apparent reason. I have no clue when to expect them, it’s a hassle. Or if I’m actually pronouncing it right.

hel – hell (and many more meanings)

heel – a whole

Maybe I misunderstood the meaning, but that’s not the point. The point is that they sound the same to me. Now take a word like this.

helemaal – completely

How the frick am I supposed to know the multiplicity here? Double the first e, the second e, or maybe the a?

If you think it’s just the last vowel that doubles..

heelal – space

I remember my English teachers always told us it’s fine whether we prefer the British or the American spelling, so long as we’re consistent. Perhaps I could apply the same principle here?